He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
