I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
