I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
