My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
