I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
