I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
