Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
