i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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