hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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