Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
