Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
