Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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