i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
