when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
