I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
