i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
