based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
