she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
