Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
