I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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