I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
