i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
