4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
