I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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