Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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