you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
false alarm, still single
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
