We won't sleep together?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
