At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
