Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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