connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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