come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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