Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
