How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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