She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
