I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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