sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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