The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Are my feet made of real feet?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
