I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
