I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
