I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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