barbara walters just said penis...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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