I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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