you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
