I can tuck mytits in my pants
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
