I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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