I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
