I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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