you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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