So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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