Umm I'm too high to move.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Houston, we have a squirter
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
